Still waiting for this baby to be ready to come out. I'm really trying to be patient in my waiting, but it's really hard and trying on me emotionally (number one) and then physically and mentally. Emotionally, I just feel like a failure every time I have a contraction that leads to absolutely nothing. Then to go to the doctor and have her tell me that there has been no progress since the last week I was in. I know every one of you who reads this (i think) can relate to what I'm feeling on some level. Nothing is more frustrating that waiting and waiting for your baby to enter the world and meanwhile feeling completely helpless (as you truly are) in starting the process of eviction. all the "tricks" aren't working nor do I believe that they will. It's all coincidence that bouncing on a yoga ball or drinking caster oil helped someone go into labor. I don't believe any of that crap really works....it's all up to the baby and when it decides to come out. NOTHING is more frustrating for me than not being able to control and steer that progress.
I'm struggling to be positive. I'm struggling to not see every pointless contraction as some kind of bodily failure. I'm struggling to believe that this baby will ever come into the world.
"You're only a few days overdue. Almost every first time mom goes over." that's not helpful to me. I just sit here thinking...ok...I'm overdue, but the baby will never EVER come out and there's nothing I can do about that.
I don't know if i can take one more person telling me i look like I'm going to have twins or that i have a "BIG belly." do people even think before they speak? I don't want to hear about how huge i am...i KNOW that already and i don't feel good about it. I've decided I'm not above glaring and letting people know that their comments aren't necessary. ESPECIALLY women who have kids sitting right next to them. Did they appreciate those comments when they were as big as a house? I'm sure not. Some people learn nothing.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of this. I want so desperately to be positive and excited, but the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion have taken their toll on me and I just feel desperate for relief now. I'd take sleepless nights because of baby over sleepless nights because of discomfort in a heartbeat. I'm tired of being emotionally unstable and throwing it all on my husband to clean up after. He's always there for me, rubbing my back or wiping my tears, but i'm tired of making him be strong for the both of us. I just feel like more often than not I simply can't be strong anymore. I've lost my grip and I don't like being like this. Normally, I'm a very strong woman, but like I said before, I'm exhausted and most days I just can't make it through without a breakdown. (we're at 3 and counting today)
I could go on and on about all the things that I'm thinking and feeling, but much like my contractions, it would be pointless. Being negative and wallowing in my sorrow isn't helpful to me or to any of you reading. I'm sorry to have unloaded that on you, but I guess...if we're tracking my progress via this blog, you can see I'm at a low. Realistic encouragement is welcome.
Hopefully the next time I write it will be to post about my new little baby. I can't wait to meet my miracle and kiss those fingers and toes and lips and nose. I can't wait to hold him/her in my arms and whisper constant reminders of my love. I can't wait to have good days and bad days with Baby and to try everything in the book to calm Baby's fusses. I can't wait to kiss away Baby's tears. I can't wait for my heart to explode with Baby's coos and first smiles. I can't wait for all of it....the good and the horribly bad. Bottom line...I'm done waiting for you, Baby. Come on out. Please. I beg you....
And on a side note: It's Mac's 3rd birthday today. Happy Birthday, Big Boy! Mommy loves you!
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| Mac. My birthday boy! |
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| He likes to nap as if he were a dead cockroach. |
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| So sleepy and not in the mood for pictures |
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| Dis my box, right? |
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| yawn!! |
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| love bites for Mommy. I love you, Baby Boy! |